The Infinite Dial

The usual out-of-office message, constructed as it is at 5:15 p.m. on the Friday before vacation, is usually pretty basic -- a list of department heads to contact in your absence; a good-faith effort on your family's behalf to limit the Blackberry messages to emergencies, etc. But radio people being radio people, not everybody can keep it straightforward.

These are a few of the more entertaining or intriguing out-of-office messages that bounced back to me this summer. Some have been rewritten slightly to protect the sender's identity. If nothing else, it shows how radio spent its summer vacation.

* "Keep your shiny side up and your muddy side down."

* "Hi. I am on vacation and out 'til Tuesday. On and off e-mail. Be an awesome person and catch up with me Tuesday."

* "I'm currently out of the office supervising a trip with a dozen crazy drama students on a white water rafting trip . . . if I survive, I should be back in the office Monday. Wish me luck."

* "Hello. I am unable to respond to your email because I am in Canada, participating in [my] 20th Annual Canada Blood Drive -- where I will be eaten alive by 5-pound mosquitos. I will respond to your e-mail Monday, when I return to civilization, running water and electricity. Yours in mosquito prevention . . . "

* "[I am] on vacation and will retrun Monday after the Tour De France is over." (The message is signed "kind regards" by the PD's "imaginary assistant".)

* "Our justice system once again shows how fair and balanced they are by selecting someone like me for jury duty. Whoooo, justice system, keep up the good work!"

* "Vacation time! I will be back in the office on Monday. If I didn't get a chance to add your record before I left, it's probably not very good."

* "This is Dr. Klahn. I'm not home right now. Leave a message when you hear the beep. You have our gratitude." (This one was clearly meant to create a bond with any other fans of "Kentucky Fried Movie."I wrote back, "Let's give Dr. Klahn a great big hand!" but didn't get a response.)

* "[I am] out of the office . . . as it is now time for Baby #6 to arrive."

* "I'm out of the office having a baby - painful ;-) Not sure when I'll be back." (From a guy, BTW.)

There are also those "out-of-office" messages from U.S. recipients that come back marked, "Respuesta automática de Fuera de la oficina," perhaps meant as an indicator of where the PD has gone on vacation.

Then there was this variation on the usual list of contacts:

"I am out of town for a few days on a family vacation! Go, me! I will be checking emails from time to time but if you need immediate help please contact [this list of six department heads]. That's a team baby!"